andersenmom | Entries tagged with personal

Today I started looking at the most terrifying thing in the world: Changing the schedule of the Ultimate US Road Trip.

Well, not the schedule, but one of the attractions. Doing that changed the timing on whole thing. I really didn't expect that. Let me explain.

( Explanations )

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Maniac - Stray Kids

Yesterday worked so well, I decided to do it again!

Writing:
1. Overheard - Edit
2. Study Up10tion
3. Write Up10tion
4. Post the two

fan_flashworks fics

House:
1. Clean off couches
2. Wrap last gifts
~~3. Make notes for therapy~~

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: TA - Stray Kids

I realized today that I've been trying to do too much. The Miracle Morning, 12 Week Year, GTD, writing, Habitica, all of it is suddenly no long freeing, it's... turned into a cage. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed over nothing. I can't do this. I can't do it anymore.

So I'm going to stop a lot of it. Some, I'm not sure about. I'll have to see. But some, a lot of it? It's going away. And if it never comes back, that's okay. I've taken off a lot of my tasks, and I'll take off more, on Habitica, and I'm just going to try something less structured.

I don't know if it'll work. I really don't. The more structure didn't, though, and I need to step away, step back, and try something else. Go back to the... well, no, Not back. Because I've learned so much. But I can go forward with some more freedom, and see what I can manage with that.

I don't know what will happen. And that's okay. I guess... it's sort of time to remake myself again. Hopefully, I'll like her better.

Current Mood: relieved
Crossposts: https://andersenmom.livejournal.com/1010054.html

So, today was supposed to be a work day. You know, get all the laundry done, work on my crochet, etc.

Yeah, didn't happen. I did get the clean laundry folded, but the washing machine has been beeping at me for the last three hours or so, to get me to rebalance the load. And yes, I have been trying. it's so frustrating, one more frustration on top of all the others, and I don't care anymore. Or at least I wish I didn't.

It's exhausting, being me, and not being able to do anything. I'm just... tired. And I'd be angry if I had the energy. Disgust is much less taxing. Maggie's catch phrase is "I detest me, very a lot" in French. It fits, rather well.

Four hours later: Well, I feel better - food and writing and good music (my son had a piano recital) - so you can totally ignore what I said.

Current Mood: depressed
Crossposts: https://andersenmom.livejournal.com/952324.html

So, my brother lost his car in a spate of hail last month - totaled and seriously messed up. My mom has a couple of guys across the street - they've been there since we have, I think, or shortly after. The dad is an ass, but his son grew up to be a nice guy (which wasn't so sure as a teenager or even a tween). The son had an extra car, which he sold to my brother. It's old, but it runs, and it's something that will last a while. It's ugly, like, really ugly, but. And the best part. It's a stick shift. So my mom was worried about getting it washed and stuff, and didn't want to drive it. It's been longer for her than it has for me, and I think I actually liked it.

I got to drive it this morning. I'll get to drive it more, later, but for now, just getting it from my mom's house to mine, it was like coming home. Oh, I have MISSED having a stick! I forgot how lovely it was, how... I don't even know how to describe it. It haven't forgotten at all how to do it, I haven't lost any of the skill - I don't think, I haven't had any serious challenges, but oh. Oh. It was so nice. SO so nice.

Current Mood: pleased
Crossposts: https://andersenmom.livejournal.com/943433.html

My favorite (among many) line in "The Lightning Thief: The musical" is from the song Strong, sung to Percy by his mother.

"Normal is a myth.
Everyone has issues they're dealing with"

And boy do I have issues today. They're killing me.

Current Mood: exhausted
Crossposts: https://andersenmom.livejournal.com/943096.html

I've done it again.

I have all these plans to get things done, and then...

Nothing. Nada. Nix. It's unbelievably frustrating.

I know the kids are home, but that really shouldn't matter. It really should NOT MATTER. I have to live a great majority of my life with them home (right now), and I need to be able to work while they're home or NOTHING will ever get done.

I wish I knew how to do that. I feel like the biggest loser in the world, because I can't DO ANYTHING that isn't playing a game.

I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of everything.

Current Mood: listless
Crossposts: https://andersenmom.livejournal.com/935374.html

As I have a lot of things to do, I want to keep track of them so I'm keeping myself on task.

( The things I have done. )

And I am exhausted. Gah. SO exhausted.

Current Mood: productive
Current Music: "Rotten to the Core"

It's been a while. Sorry.

Not much to say, but for the 10 days and counting. I'm so tired of feeling like this.

Anyway, just a note to let you know I'm still alive.

I have to get this out, or I might burst. I might burst anyway, but oh, well.

I am so thoroughly frustrated with my inability to do ANYTHING. I mean anything. I had a challenge to read a book, and had to back out because the thought of keeping up with it was so overwhelming I almost threw it across the room when I opened it up again after my week hiatus. So that's out.

Just looking at my list of goals is so overwhelming, so cluttered... I have no idea how to fix this. I can't write, I can't read, I can't waste time on the computer, I have a ZILLION things to do (recover from Disneyland at the top of the list), and even more I want to do. I get to play single mom starting tomorrow, and I can barely function as part of a pair! I feel like I'm just going through the motions, not getting anything really done or anything else, and just.... Ugh.

Okay. So I have this 101 goals in 1001 days project going - I'm maybe half way through. 54/101 goals either finished, failed, or invalidated (I have got to get this right, some time), and 460/1001 days. And just looking at it makes me want to cry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I really don't. No, that's not true. I do know, and I don't know what to do about it. Different things, right?

I have plans, I have visions of what my life, my house, my self would look like, and the gap between where I am and those dreams seems so insurmountable I don't think I'll ever catch up. I'm not sure I want to/ should even try. Maybe "catch up" is the wrong thing to say, though. I mean... who knows. I don't.

I feel better now, even if I probably shouldn't. So I'm going to get moving on what I need to get done today if I'm going to get everything finished and be able to sleep tonight.

Current Mood: depressed

I'm going to redo my website. I currently have no idea where I'll host it, but what I'm doing now is deciding what I really want to put on it. In other words, I'm going to delete/flock/ignore a bunch of my fics, especially if I don't think they're very good. This will probably include a huge chunk of the Mutant!verse and mafia!verse fics, a fair number of the AC fics, and probably a good portion of the Fudomine fics. They're just not worth it - and in some cases are quite painful.

In other news, I have a fic that has out-kudoed Arashi's Tower on AO3 (boggles the mind). Seriously, what the heck.

dizzy_grace, it's your fault, just so you know.

A third point: if anyone has any suggestions for an over-arching title for this, I would totally love suggestions. I can't post it on AO3 (and probably shouldn't) without a title, and "Unnamed Fantasy" won't get anyone to read it.

Current Mood: hopeless
Current Music: "Our Game" DBSK

So we spent today - this morning - going through the pump class for Maggie's Insulin pump.

I was a nervous wreck. I still am, and I'm not sure exactly WHY. Except that it's change, and I like change as much as most cats like water. So I have gone into my time-honored way of dealing: find a book that I know will erase the outside world, and immerse myself in it. In this case, if you wanted to know, it's Feed, by Mira Grant. Curse of Chalion would do the same thing, but Feed is longer and has two more books after it with the same characters, where as Chalion only has one following (I don't count the third), and those aren't the same characters, and not as fascinating.

ANYWAY. So I am not doing anything but read (although I did get dinner on, which is not a bad thing) at the moment, which means, nothing's getting written. Not a good sign, as I still have a TON of Haunted to do (well, a third, at least), not to mention bits of the Action!verse is clamoring for attention. And yet, all I really want to do is read. Just... read. Nothing else. Well, and eat chocolates (Because icky time of month, yeah?). I got some dark mint and some milk peanut butter, not to mention Limon chips. They're perfect.

So that's where I am at the moment. I hope it changes, but if not, well... Deadline is at the library.

Ugh. I do have things I need to do, but I just... can't right now. Maybe later tonight.

Current Music: "Play Ground" Topp Dogg

Hey guys.

I ran across this great site, for those of us who like to game and like to have something to do while doing chores. I actually found it due to

llblckraincloud, on a Facebook post somewhere. It's called HabitRPG. It's seriously fun, with quests and pets (over 90 possible), guilds for common interests (like Whovians, but no kpop guilds), and challenges. This has been so much FUN for me. I've gotten a lot done. And I've had a chance to see what I can really do. It's free, but there are ways to contribute if you want. I have been social in some places, not so much in others, and... I don't know what else to say. It's helped at least keep my goals in the front of my mind.

They have three types of goals: the things you want to make a habit of, like using reusable bags when you go shopping; dailies, like for me, working on my WiPs; and to-dos, which are the big projects. As the player checks them off, he receives goodies: an egg, a hatching potion, food for the pet when it's hatched, and quest scrolls.

I enjoy this site. It helps me, keeps me going, keeps me accountable, which is something I struggle with a lot. I have gotten so much more done, because it gives me a place to start, and even if I don't do everything exact... that's okay, too. Which is a relief.

Current Music: Blessed Silence

It is seriously weird to think that I haven't updated here for nearly a month. I've avoided my computer lately, because it doesn't offer the escape it used to. I'm still writing, a very little, and I'm still here, alive and mostly well.

I hope you all are okay, and I'm sorry for being gone so long.

Current Music: Blessed Silence

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I'm currently into my second episode of depression - the last was nearly four years ago now - and that's why. It's just so hard to do things. I looked back, and I think this is the longest I've gone with not posting something (disregarding travel, etc.) since I created my LJ.

When I'm on the computer, the only thing I can seem to do is page through and refresh Tumblr. Or Facebook. I don't even play games there anymore.

Writing is practically non-existent, although I am getting ideas and love outlining them. I'll probably never write them, but I have them, which is something, at least.

I feel like I ought to explain myself. I have some stories I could post - the Coed

50ficlets claim - but I can't. The idea of filling out the header, making sure everything reads and looks the way it should, is so overwhelming it's painful. And really scary. it's just easier not to bother. Posting Haunted is worse - it's on fanfiction.net and it's just. No. It's not familiar (anymore), and worse, it's not intuitive. I wrote down how to do it, but still. Way too overwhelming.

It feels like everything I like to do takes up too much energy - energy I don't have. I don't know where it went. Getting up, getting the kids moving - it's like I don't even have the energy to yell. Which actually is good. I'm sure my children like that change.

So that's what's happening, where I am in this mess. Even talking on IM only happens on days I might be able to handle it. I feel bad that I'm ignoring everyone, but sometimes (most times) it's just too much. I don't know when it will get better, but I hope it will, soon. I just wanted to let you guys know what's going on.

Current Music: "Open the Door" Topp Dogg

It didn't happen. I didn't get one word written last night. But I did get 30 minutes of Haunted crafted, and then another 30 minutes this morning, and as of right now, I've written 4626 words - there was a write in this morning. I hope to get more.

So it's better today. I'm not quite so... I don't know, down on myself? I think. Which is good.

Current Music: Blessed Silence

Running through my head right now:

I can't do this, i was stupid to think I could do this. I can't do this, I can't DO this, I just can't, there's no way, I can't do this.

Over and over and over, like a broken record, or a cd on repeat of one song. I just... it's so ridiculous, and I just can't. I Can't do this. I must be out of my mind.

I guess the best way to stop that is to just... do it anyway. I have 4.5 hours today. .5 will be putting kids to bed, some going to give Maggie her shot. So... hopefully 3.5? I could write a lot in 3.5 hours. If I would just get started.

That's after my nap.

So today was the last field trip for the month, and MAN was I right in guessing I wouldn't get any writing done.

I went to Young Ameritowne. It is an activity in which there is a fake town with 17 shops, and the children run them, sell things, have money to spend, and learn how to use debit cards and checks. They learn about loans, about paying things off, trying to get profits, etc.

I was in the college (because I wasn't allowed to work where my daughter was), and it was so much FUN to watch these kids do their thing. SO MUCH FUN!

anyway, I have to go to the chili cook-off, so... no rest for the ~~weary~~ wicked!

Current Music: Blessed Silence

I wanted to do this last night, and couldn't for reasons unknown to me. So, I'm doing it tonight.

( What am I working on? )

So, there it is, the whole mess. I'm sure there are some I've missed, but I'm working on most of these at the moment. It's kind of fun. I doubt many of them will ever be posted, but that's okay, too. Maybe I'll change my mind.

Current Music: "Home ft. Lee Sora" Tablo

So today I didn't do much, because I didn't want to be the Mom. And because... I don't even know. We took Maggie in for her appointment at the Barbara Davis Center (her diabetes doctor) and got back around 10:30. I sat down, fell asleep around 11:00 (I think), and woke up at 13:30. Ugh.

I managed dinner, but that was it. My dishwasher was full from yesterday (I actually managed to do the dishwasher yesterday, which is a surprise). So I decided to see how much I'd get done if I set my timer for 15 minutes as FLYlady says, and started by emptying the dishwasher. I got it done, refilled it, and... had 4.5 minutes left.

Okay. I can do things in 15 minutes. I just have to remember that.

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My Diary Screaming Out Loud

Change is Terrifying

To-do Today

STRESS

Ugh

HEE!

sigh

Urg

I need a to-do done list

Whew

UGH

Because I'm an idiot

Exhaustion: I has that, too

It's a day

Hi

An update

Well.

ugh

See that icon?

Hi!

She tells the truth

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September 2026

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